FINAL FANTASY IV IN A (very large) NUTSHELL!!!
by Rydia Highwind
Summary: FF4 - A touching novelization of the game. Chapter 4 up! And I uped the rating for this one. Ehe. ^^;
1. Life Sucks

**FINAL FANTASY IV IN A (very large) NUTSHELL!!!**  
by Rydia Highwind

  
  
  
**Part One: Life Sucks**  
  
Cecil: Ummmm, I think its bad to steal things, isn't it, Mr. King?   
  
King: You nerd! You can't command the Red Wings anymore!   
  
Cecil: Well, that sucks.   
  
Kain: I have no problem with stealing things when I'm not in my right mind.   
  
King: But what about when you're in your right mind?   
  
Kain: ...   
  
King: Go with your lover-I mean friend to Mist! And don't forget to burn down the village when you're there, okay?   
  
Cecil: Sure thing.   
  
Kain: This sucks. What's my dad going to think?   
  
Cecil: Boy, this Misty Cave is...   
  
Kain: Misty?   
  
Cecil: Yeah, that's it.   
  
Dragon: Go away or I'll kill you!!!   
  
Cecil: Did that sound like a threat?   
  
Kain: I dunno.   
  
Dragon: BOOMCRASHFWASHDIEANDSTUFF!   
  
Kain: I'm thinking yes.   
  
Cecil: Hey look, we killed that little girl's mommy.   
  
Rydia: You suck. I will now proceed to summon a monster that I will not be able to summon again until much later in the plot to destroy you, you pathetic mortals!!!   
  
Kain: Oh, damn.   
  
Cecil: Hey, where's Kain?   
  
Rydia: He got possessed and wants to kill you now.   
  
Cecil: Oh. That sucks. What about my girlfriend?   
  
Rydia: She's dying of some weird disease.   
  
Tellah: GO AWAY!   
  
Cecil: Why is everyone so mean to me??   
  
Rydia: Because you suck.   
  
Tellah: Oh, wait. You are evil and dark and stuff so you can help me kill my daughter's boyfriend, okay?   
  
Cecil: Okay!   
  
Rydia: Oh, look. Your friends just bombed our destination.   
  
Cecil: I hate my life.   
  
Tellah: Damn your friends!   
  
Anna: Daddy!   
  
Tellah: Hey, why are you dying?   
  
Anna: Because I have arrows stuck in me.   
  
Tellah: Oh.   
  
Edward: Hi! That's my girlfriend.   
  
Tellah: You spoony bard! Die!   
  
Edward: AHHHH THERE'S A NINETY-YEAR-OLD GUY ATTACKING ME!   
  
Anna: Silly boys.   
  
Tellah: You all suck. I'm leaving.   
  
Edward: In the meantime, let's go kill an antlion!   
  
Antlion: Dude. That's not nice.   
  
Cecil: EAT MY DARK SWORD!   
  
Rydia: Well, that was quick.   
  
Cecil: Oh, shut up.   
  
Rydia: Hey, I thought you were gay.   
  
Cecil: ........shhh!   
  
Rosa: Huh?   
  
Cecil: .............   
  
Rydia: *hysterical laughter*   
  
Rosa: Well, even though I just recovered from a mysterious and somewhat deadly disease and am still very weak, I won't burden you, just take me with you, damn it!   
  
Cecil: Oh, fine. Ho.   
  
Rosa: Yay!   
  
Edward: I shall now proceed to go puke over here.   
  
Rydia: Let me join you, bard boy.   
  
Rosa: Okay, start a fire!   
  
Rydia: No, you ho!   
  
Rosa: START THE DAMN FIRE.   
  
Rydia: NO.   
  
Cecil: This sucks.   
  
Rydia: Okay, fine. Fire.   
  
Edward: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!   
  
Rosa: Not on him!   
  
Rydia: Right, sorry. Fire.   
  
Yang: ACHOO!   
  
Rosa: Bless you.   
  
Yang: BOOMFWASHSMASHGRR!   
  
Cecil: Okay, let's go steal Fabul's crystal now.   
  
Rosa: No, Cecil. Stealing is BAD, remember. BAD.   
  
Cecil: Stealing is bad? Oh yeah, that's why the king doesn't like me anymore.   
  
Rydia: No, its actually because eventually you'll find out he's not actually the king and you'll kill him.   
  
Cecil: Shut up. We're not that far in the plot yet.   
  
Rydia: Sorry.   
  
Kain: Hi!   
  
Edward: Where did you come from? And how did I suddenly get so brave?   
  
Cecil: Kain!   
  
Kain: Cecil!   
  
Cecil: Dude!   
  
Kain: Dude!   
  
Cecil: Rosa told me that stealing is BAD!   
  
Kain: I hate you.   
  
Cecil: *sob* Why?!   
  
Kain: Cause your big brother gives a better hand job.   
  
Cecil: ....   
  
Yang: I didn't know you had a brother.   
  
Cecil: I didn't either.   
  
Kain: Oops! Someone fast-forwarded the plot again! I think I'll jump around randomly, trying to slaughter my former lover.   
  
Cecil: I don't think that will help things.   
  
Rydia: No, but it will be fun to watch.   
  
Rosa: Who wants popcorn?   
  
  
_MUAHAHAHAHAHA Stay tuned for more. Oh yes, I'm nowhere NEAR finishing this. ::evil laughter dominates!!::_


	2. Cute Dead Things

**FINAL FANTASY IV IN A (very large) NUTSHELL!!!**  
by Rydia Highwind

  
  
  
**Part Two: Cute Dead Things**  
  
Golbez: Kain! I thought you liked boys!  
  
Kain: I can't decide. I'm such an indecisive little dragoon.  
  
Golbez: Well, no matter. Let's steal Rosa.  
  
Cecil: Stealing is BAD.  
  
Golbez: I'm bad.  
  
Cecil: Oh, okay.  
  
Rosa: Deary me. My ho-ish antics have succeeded in making my boy toy's lover jealous and have gotten me kidnapped by some doofus in a stupid helmet.  
  
Golbez: Hey! Don't mock the helmet!  
  
Rydia: Oh, damn. Everyone's dead but me.  
  
Cecil: Let's be stupid and go back to Baron even though everyone there hates me.  
  
Edward: Okay!  
  
Yang: Gee, I hope no big sea monsters come and eat Rydia.  
  
Leviatan: Yummy girl. *burp*  
  
Rydia: This is all your fault, karate man.  
  
Yang: I feel so badly about that that I will now proceed to give myself induced amnesia so I never do anything that stupid again.  
  
Edward: May I swim to Toroia? I'm afraid that I might mess up my hair getting eaten by a sea monster.  
  
Cecil: I think I'll wander over to a place where everyone hates me. Sound good?  
  
People in Mysidia: We hate you.  
  
Cecil: I'm so loved.  
  
Elder: If you go put on white clothes, we will randomly decide that you are the fulfillment of our ancient prophesy that makes no sense whatsoever, and then proceed to worship you, but only after I have two incompetent children spy on you.  
  
Porom: You called?  
  
Palom: Hi! I'm as incompetent as they come, so I'll wander along with you, dude.  
  
Cecil: Okay.  
  
People in Mysidia: You suck.  
  
Cecil: Yeah, okay, shut up already.  
  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
  
Kain: Can I kill Cecil? Please?  
  
Golbez: No! You have to watch the girl.  
  
Milon: I wanna kill the Dark Knight! I wanna kill the Dark Knight!  
  
Golbez: Okay, just shut up!  
  
Milon: Yay!  
  
Rosa: If you untie me, I'll sleep with you.  
  
Kain: Why would I want to sleep with you, you ho?  
  
Rosa: Damn.  
  
Golbez: Why do you think I left him to watch you?  
  
Rosa: ...I hate you.  
  
Cecil: Such a happy mountain.  
  
Porom: What are you talking about? Its full of dead things.  
  
Dead Thing: Huh.  
  
Cecil: But they're cute dead things!  
  
Dead Thing: Huh.  
  
Palom: Aw, so cute.  
  
Sound: Hiss.  
  
Porom: Palom, stop trying to write your name in the snow.  
  
Palom: If I was trying to write my name in the snow, it would be PISS, not HISS.  
  
Cecil: Stealing is BAD.  
  
Tellah: Hi!  
  
Cecil: You crazy old thing! What are you doing here? Trying to become a Paladin before me, I see! Meet my Dark Sword!  
  
Tellah: I can't even carry a sword. I'm here to learn how to drop meteors on people.  
  
Cecil: Oh. Damn. And I was looking for a fight too.  
  
Milon: OOOOOOOOH, DARK KNIGHT! YUMMY DARK KNIGHT!  
  
Cecil: Look, it's attached to my arm! Isn't it cute?  
  
Porom: That's disgusting.  
  
Tellah: Doesn't that hurt??  
  
Cecil: ....now that I think about it, yes.  
  
Milon: CRUNCH  
  
Cecil: Inferior! Meet my Dark Sword!  
  
Milon: Teehee, that tickles.  
  
Cecil: ...this isn't working.  
  
Tellah: Here, I'll start it on fire. Fire!  
  
Cecil: OW!!  
  
Tellah: Oops, you two look so much alike...  
  
Palom: I think your eye-sight's going, old man.  
  
Tellah: ....maybe you're right. Let me try that again.  
  
Cecil: That's okay, really!  
  
Porom: How about I try this? I'll push the scary thing off of the mountain.  
  
Milon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Cecil: Look, it made a pretty splat.  
  
Palom: What is it with you and pretty things, dude?! Are you gay or something?!  
  
Cecil: Yes.  
  
Palom: Oh.  
  
Light: FLASH!  
  
Cecil: Look at the pretty mirror! I can see myself in it! Whee!  
  
Evil Cecil: I hate you.  
  
Cecil: That's not nice.  
  
Evil Cecil: BOOMFWASHSMASH  
  
Cecil: Dude, this is scary!  
  
Light: Use your sword, my moronic son....  
  
Cecil: ....Oh. Right.  
  
Evil Cecil: Eep! Scary!  
  
Cheesy Narration: Cecil became a Paladin and conquered the evil within himself! Now, he, Tellah, and the twins will head back to Mysidia and--  
  
Reader: Oh, shut up already.   
  
  
_Ouch. Hasn't your intellegence been insulted enough yet? Why are you still reading?! O_O;; Yep, more comin', ye poor, addicted soul, ye._


	3. Enter the Disney Songs!

**FINAL FANTASY IV IN A (very large) NUTSHELL!!!**  
by Rydia Highwind

  
  
  
**Part Three: Enter the Disney Songs!**  
  
Golbez: G'damnit! Cecil's a Paladin!  
  
Kain: That pretty white armor is most lovely on him.  
  
Golbez: Stop lusting after him and kill him!  
  
Kain: Aww, can't you send the beetle dude?  
  
Golbez: He's already in Baron, impersonating the king.  
  
Kain: What about wind woman?  
  
Valvalis: I LOVE YOU, KAIN!  
  
Golbez: She seems to be attached to your leg.  
  
Kain: DAMN YOU, WOMAN, STOP HUMPING ME!  
  
Valvalis: But you're cute!  
  
Kain: Well, what about Volcano Head?  
  
Golbez: He's busy destroying Eblan.  
  
Kain: Well, Valvalis won't get off my leg.  
  
Golbez: Cecil seems to be going back to Baron anyway, so Kainazzo can kill him.  
  
Kain: Yay! I'll be playing Super Mario Brothers now.  
  
  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH...ER, HOUSE OF WISHES, THAT IS...  
  
  
  
Elder: Well, by cheese, he actually did it.  
  
Cecil: Yup! Cause I'm spiffy!  
  
Porom: No, cause I pushed the scary thing off the cliff.  
  
Cecil: Well, there was that....  
  
Tellah: Anyway, we have to avenge Anna!  
  
Cecil: Who the hell is Anna?  
  
Tellah: My daughter!  
  
Cecil: Why do we have to avenge her?  
  
Tellah: Because we do!  
  
Cecil: Oh, okay.  
  
Tellah: Oh, by the way, I learned how to drop meteors on people. Your daddy taught me.  
  
Cecil: He was such a nice dude. Too bad I have no memory of him whatsoever.  
  
Elder: Are you leaving yet?  
  
Cecil: Oh, right!  
  
Palom: I'm going with you, dude! IHOW sucks!  
  
Tellah: IHOW?  
  
Palom: Yeah, the International House Of Wishes.  
  
Tellah: Oh.  
  
Porom: I guess that means I'm going to. I seem to be my brother's keeper.  
  
Cecil: Wasn't that Kain?  
  
Tellah: Shut up with the Biblical references! This game was made in Japan, dammit!  
  
Cecil: What's Japan?  
  
Tellah: Beats me.  
  
Palom: ANYWAY. SERPENT ROAD.  
  
Serpent Road: HISS!  
  
Cecil: So! It was Serpent Road hissing at us on Mount Ordeals!  
  
Porom: ...If you say so, Cecil.  
  
Cecil: What?  
  
People of Baron: Hey, it's that dude that was once a dark knight!  
  
Cecil: Hey, it's me!  
  
People of Baron: Cid is in jail!  
  
Cecil: ...Drat. Any of you got an airship handy?  
  
People of Baron: No! Why don't you try rescuing him!  
  
Cecil: Hmm. That could work.  
  
Yang: Hello, I do not know who you are. I shall now proceed beat the living daylights out of you.  
  
Cecil: Um, you suck!  
  
Yang: I do? Oh, hi Cecil.  
  
Tellah: Let's sneak into the palace and rescue Cid!  
  
Porom: Sure, why not?  
  
Palom: Got nothing better to do.  
  
Cecil: Hey! If I yell loud enough, my voice echoes! Neat!  
  
Yang: Will you be quiet?! We're trying to sneak!  
  
Cecil: ...Oh. Right, sorry.  
  
King: Hey! Cecil! You're a Paladin! Being a Paladin is BAD.  
  
Cecil: I thought stealing was bad..  
  
King: Who the hell told you that?  
  
Cecil: Rosa!  
  
King: Rosa is a ho!  
  
Cecil: What's it to you!  
  
King: How would I know? I'm not really the king.  
  
Palom: Oooooh, suspense!  
  
Cecil: Gasp! I did not see that coming forty-seven miles away!  
  
King: I am...BEETLE MAN!!!!  
  
Tellah: Oh, the horror!  
  
Cecil: Porom! Push it off a cliff!  
  
Porom: You moron, there's no cliff to push it off from.  
  
Cecil: Damnation! How do we defeat it then?!  
  
Palom: Remember what Daddy told you on the mountain?  
  
Cecil: "FLASH!"?  
  
Palom: After that..  
  
Cecil: "Use your sword, my moronic son..."?  
  
Palom: That's the one.  
  
Cecil: ....OH! So I should...use my sword!  
  
Palom: Good work, Speedy!  
  
Cecil: Hey, my name is Cecil, not Speedy!  
  
Kainazzo: You guys look....DEHYDRATED!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
Palom: Look! Yang peed his pants! Ha, ha!  
  
Yang: ...I did not!!  
  
Cecil: Let me get this straight. If you're not the king...then who is?  
  
Tellah: Spooky, man.  
  
Palom and Porom: NO KING! NO KING! LA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAAAA, LA!  
  
Cecil: IDIOTS! THERE WILL BE A KING!!  
  
Palom: But you said, uh...  
  
Cecil: I WILL BE KING! STICK WITH ME AND...  
  
Tellah: ...and I will beat you with my staff if you don't stop quoting Disney.  
  
Cecil: No..!! Not the staff!! I'm sorry, master, it won't happen again!  
  
Kainazzo: I ate the king. There is no king.  
  
Cecil: I WILL BE KING!!  
  
Tellah: SHUT UP.  
  
Cecil: Ow, ow! Sorry!!  
  
Kainazzo: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Yang: He...spontaneously combusted.  
  
Palom: I like using Nuke.  
  
Porom: Oh, good Gaia, who in their right mind would level you up that high?!  
  
Author: Hello.  
  
Porom: Oh, dear Bahamut. Save us all.   
  
  
_That was...slow. Sorry 'bout that. x.o;;; My weirdo muses are evil. R&R!!!! O_o;;; I really must apologize...for...that. ::points at story:: Ye gods.._


	4. Cid's Secret Past

**FINAL FANTASY IV IN A (very large) NUTSHELL**  
by Rydia Highwind

  
  
  
**Part Four: Cid's Secret Past**  
  
Golbez: Well, this is just great. Seems Kainazzo was as stupid and worthless as Milon.   
  
Rubicant: C'mon, boss, what were you expecting from us?   
  
Golbez: Good point. You are just a bunch of elemental rejects, aren't you.   
  
Rubicant: ...Not exactly what I meant, but hey. You do have a point.   
  
Golbez: That's what I have Kain here for!   
  
Kain: Just a minute! I gotta kill King Bowser!   
  
Rubicant: Oh, yeah. Kain's so much better than the rest of us.   
  
Kain: Argh! He killed me again!   
  
Rubicant: Kain? How long have you been playing this non-stop?   
  
Kain: I dunno, about two weeks?   
  
Rubicant: And what level are you on?   
  
Kain: World 1-4!   
  
Rubicant: ...Which means you're still on the first world?   
  
Kain: Yeah. Why?   
  
Rubicant: Yep, it's official now. That was a very not-nice thing to say, Golbez.   
  
Golbez: Hey, I'm a not-nice person.   
  
Rubicant: Does that make it okay for you to say not-nice things?   
  
Golbez: Yes.   
  
Rubicant: Oh.   
  
Kain: Damn! He killed me again!   
  
Golbez: You idiot, give me that.   
  
Kain: ...You killed him on the first try!!   
  
Golbez: Now, you have to go tell Cecil that if he gets us the last crystal, we'll give him Rosa.   
  
Kain: ...We're going to give him Rosa?   
  
Golbez: Of course not. We're bad guys, so we're going to kill her.   
  
Kain: Then why am I telling Cecil that we'll give him her?   
  
Golbez: Because we're bad guys!!   
  
Kain: Ohoho! Now you're talking!   
  
  
MEANWHILE   
  
  
Tellah: Okay, now that that dude is dead, what shall we do?   
  
Yang: We were going to find that guy with the flying boat.   
  
Palom: ...Cecil, what ARE you doing?   
  
Cecil: ....   
  
Porom: That's just not right.   
  
Cecil: ....Hehehe.   
  
Palom: Ye gods, I'm going to be ill.   
  
Tellah: Come now, good Paladin, children should not have to see that. Hell, none of us should. Let's go find the flying boat guy.   
  
Cid: MUST KILL MUST KILL MUST KILL!   
  
Cecil: Oh, look. There he is now.   
  
Cid: MUST KILL MUST KI--oh! Hey, Cecil.   
  
Cecil: We need your flying boat thing.   
  
Cid: Follow me!   
  
Yang: Wait a second--we have six members on our team now. We can't have that many. Someone has to die now.   
  
Cecil: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!   
  
Tellah: No, Cecil, you are the main character. You can't die, no matter how much we want you to.   
  
Cecil: Aww, you side characters have all the fun!   
  
Cid: Hey, look! Here's our chance to get rid of someone, the walls are moving in!   
  
Yang: Kill the old geyser!   
  
Tellah: Kill the flying boat guy!   
  
Cid: Kill the karate monk!   
  
Cecil: Kill me!   
  
Palom: I knew it would come to this...   
  
Porom: It's our own fault for being so incredibly cute, you know.   
  
Palom: And my vulgarity is just so damn lovable, you know.   
  
Porom: Ah, but we seem to be the dub characters, and in English, you weren't that vulgar.   
  
Palom: $^@$&@$^@!!!   
  
Porom: Okay, fine. Let's just turn ourselves to stone and get it over with.   
  
Palom: Right!   
  
Tellah: Hey, I have to wait till I cast Meteo to die! You can't kill me now!   
  
Yang: Look, the kids are stone. Being stone, they can't move, so I guess they stay here and no one had to die. Yay!   
  
Cecil: Bah. You all suck. Hey, what's this big hole in the wall here?   
  
Cid: It's the secret passage to my flying boat that my trekkie daughter named.   
  
Cecil: Wow! That's so secret!   
  
Tellah: You have a daughter? You mean, someone actually married you?   
  
Cid: Nah, back before the sex change, I just visited a sperm bank. I was Cindy back then....   
  
Tellah: ...I didn't want to know that.   
  
Yang: Nor did I.   
  
Cecil: Whee! The flying boat thingy...flies!!   
  
Tellah: Hey, look. They're on to us!   
  
Cecil: Dude! It's Kain!   
  
Kain: Dude! It's me!   
  
Cid: Dude! Where's my airship?   
  
Tellah: Dude! You're standing on it!   
  
Yang: Dude! I like cheese!   
  
Kain: Anyway, I'm here to tell you...   
  
Cecil: ...Yes?   
  
Kain: ...I forgot.   
  
Cecil: ...Oh. Poo. You weren't thinking about giving us Rosa back, were you?   
  
Kain: Oh YEAH! Yeah, we'll give you Rosa back.   
  
Cecil: Really?   
  
Kain: Wait...that wasn't it...you had to do something....   
  
Tellah: Maybe...like a hand-job or something?   
  
Kain: From you? Hell, no!   
  
Cecil: Ooh! I'll take one!   
  
Yang: Cecil, do you even know what a hand-job is?   
  
Cecil: ...I thought it was something like a lube-job. Like...for a car?   
  
Yang: ...   
  
Cecil: What?   
  
Kain: That's right, you have to get us the last crystal.   
  
Cecil: Huh? What crystal?   
  
Kain: ...God, I don't remember you being this dumb. You need a good fucking and soon, man.   
  
Tellah: I think he needs more than that...   
  
Cecil: Well, if you give me back Rosa, I'll get one! Or five! Or...   
  
Cid: Oh hell, you're even making me sick, Cecil.   
  
Kain: Anyway, I'm leaving now. Super Mario Bros. is calling my name. See ya!   
  
Cecil: Okay. So where is this crystal thing-a-ma-bob?   
  
Yang: In a place called Toroia.   
  
Cecil: Okay, let's go! Can I sing a flying boat thing song?   
  
Tellah, Yang, and Cid: NO!!   
  
Cecil: Aww...come on...   
  
Cid: Oh, LOOK. We're in Toroia now. NO TIME TO SING. Darn!!   
  
Yang: We're not in...   
  
Tellah: Shhh!!   
  
Yang: Oh! Yeah, we are in Toroia! Really!   
  
Cecil: ...I'm sad. I want to sing.   
  
Tellah: Wait until AFTER I cast Meteo on big brother before you start.   
  
Cecil: Well...all right.   
  
Cid: What happens when you cast Meteo?   
  
Tellah: I die.   
  
Yang: Wait...we aren't supposed to know what happens, are we?   
  
Tellah: Bah, who cares? At least I can live a fulfilling life up until my death.   
  
Cid: And without Cecil singing, you lucky ass.   
  
Cecil: ...What's wrong with my singing? And why haven't we landed yet, if we're in Toroia?  
  
  
_Ahahaha...Er...Blee. I need to write this more often, its way too fun. R&R, if you dare. God, why are you still reading this?? *LOL*_


End file.
